Darrell's weblog

I’ll end up adding this to my Aviation Humor page, but I figured it’d make a neat blog post for anyone who could use a bit of humor and think that one-liners involving aircraft are funny. Anyway, these are probably all fake, but they are supposed to be a series of “Problems” reported by pilots, and the associated “Solutions” noted by the ground crew. Some of them are probably based on truths, but I doubt that any of them are completely true. But they are all funny!

Also an excuse to use the “more” tag!

Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem: Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
Solution: Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

Problem: # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
Solution: # 2 propeller seepage normal - # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.

Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: Volume set to more believable level.

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problems on ground.

Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That’s what they’re there for.

Problem: Number three engine missing.
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem: Aircraft handles funny.
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, “fly right,” and be serious.

Problem: Target Radar hums.
Solution: Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.

Problem: The autopilot doesn’t.
Solution: IT DOES NOW.

Problem: Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten.
Solution: Fresh seat cushion on order.

Problem: Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
Solution: Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!

Problem: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
Solution: Pilot removed from aircraft.

Problem: Pilot’s clock inoperative.
Solution: Wound clock.

Problem: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds.
Solution: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.

Problem: #2 ADF needle runs wild.
Solution: Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.

Problem: Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.
Solution: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.

Problem: Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.
Solution: Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine.

Problem: Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment.
Solution: Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine.

Problem: Flight attendant cold at altitude.
Solution: Ground checks OK.

Problem: 3 roaches in cabin.
Solution: 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.

Problem: Weather radar went ape!
Solution: Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess!